surely · some · revelation · is · at · hand

Tonight was a glimpse of what is to come for me. I realize that my parents have released me, and it was surprising to hear it. We laughed, together as equals, and it was something that almost felt pure. It is not as scary as I thought it would be, but at the same time, that security rings false in me. I know I am afraid, I always have been. Now, even with the most advanced ammo, I still stand trembling. I know there will be more demolishing of self before things, or if things get to comfortable again. I cannot be sure I will ever get back. The more I work to get there, the farther away it appears. Trials that fail eat at me, every day I feel what I shouldn't and don't want to feel. This fear protects me from the worst, but offers me lesser pain in exchange.
(And I miss you, I wish we could see where we will be. Please be here with me)

Being pretty certain that one of my professors did not know what she was saying when she made an arrangement with me for my grade, after doing all the work, and calls about my ever pertinant debt that isn't really real, a screaming match, a bad audition that left me convinced I've learned nothing in this past year, a developing chest pain that doesn't allow me to run all my frustration away, and a semi-sort-of-kind-of but really he IS my ex boyfriend is coming back tomorrow night and I get to show him that I care by making a grand gesture of a journey that I agreed to before I realized he has me in the palm of his hand. I have come to the following conclusions: I currently hate the city of New York, I lost my appeal to men and cannot find it, and that I really need to find something to do with my summer so that I don't feel like I'm moving backwards. I'm glad to be going home for the weekend, but furious that it happens to put others in contention for making my heart hurt so much more.

I rode a bicycle back to campus today, and it was the most serene experience. It's really getting to be fall (as I've always known it), and the cold air made my cheeks flush. I had forgotten how to brake and had to drag my feet everytime I crossed an intersection. A boy in a cameo jacket bolted past me as I awkwardly struggled to start and stop on the rusty petals. By the time I got back, I was just comfortable enough that I wanted to go for another, possibly longer ride.

I threatened to quit school today, and started coming to terms with having to give up on chemistry. Luckily, the failure made me angry enough to drive an excellent math study session tonight.

I am trying to decide if I am excited for Halloween or not, I've got a midterm the next day around noon, so I may not be able to fully experience the holiday. I havent even begun to construct my costume, which currently consists of purple nylon fabric and packs of sticky-back felt. I just really want to be a fantastically slutty crayon.

My roomate wore a yammaka tonight and it was adorable.

Plans for right now: Clean Sink + Throw out Garbage + Sleep

Coming home to a place that serves as home simply because I have nowhere else to go is not something I look forward to, but school would lose its appeal if I stayed much longer. Besides, I need the southern california sun to burn away the horrible feelings that I dragged along with my four boxes, five suitcases, and some plastic trash bags. I certainly don't feel like I fit anywhere, and I am extremely conflicted with what I want. Jobless, and nearly friendless, I long to be in a state a few miles north of where I'm at. I dread the fourth of july, more than ever before, even though I looked through about five dream books trying to find some irrational comfort. I think Cal was right, lying is clearly more fun.

if you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. it can be anything you want: either good or bad.
when you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you

sign up for kairos 1 before friday, if it doesn't get enough people it gets canceled.
cheerleaders especially (since we cannot go on any others)
and if you already signed up, spread the word even more.